Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
