Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
