Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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