i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
