you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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