I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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