Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
