I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am naked and annoyed.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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