I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
