Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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