He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
