I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
