Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize