I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
