Need sex. Gaining weight.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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