Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize