Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
