Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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