Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize