True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He felt like a one man threesome
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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