i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
