better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
