how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize