Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
