yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
