I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
