she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize