He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am available for nakedness
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
