and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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