hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
