I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
