I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
