just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Pants are for mortals
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
