I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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