He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
