theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
