DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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