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i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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