my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize