the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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