i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
