Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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