I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
