That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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