i'm signing you up for texting rehab
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
