So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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