she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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