how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Someone came in the potted fern
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
