You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Please don't give away my fajitas
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
