Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
