Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There are leaves in my underwear?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize