porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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