i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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