I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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