the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
