I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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