So drunk its hurt
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize