You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize