I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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